But a recent encounter with my (former) insurance company, Guide One Insurance, is enough to make me go all crazy-n-stuff. This isn’t like me — I’m one of the more laid-back types you’ll ever see, but in the words of Judge Judy, “don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

I’ve churned through several insurance companies over the years, and they all seem to offer the same options:

• Get a great sales pitch from an “agent” who pulls a credit report for no valid reason (as if it has anything to do with your driving skills or home value?)
• Sign up for their product, start paying exhorbitant premiums
• Get passed to the “corporate office” who then takes over all aspects of your account, mails you bills and propaganda once in awhile (by postal mail, because email is way too newfangled), handles all your claims and interactions on their toll-free 800 number, and then punishes you if you actually have a “claims experience” with them
• Have some sort of contact with your agent early in the sales process, only to never hear from him/her again (some agents still send out a Christmas card or annual calendar, but that doesn’t count, because they’re probably done by the Corporate Office anyway)
• Agent makes money from your business, but never contacts you for anything proactively — if you call him/her, you get transferred to someone else (possibly on the toll-free 800 number). Note: if you need to buy more insurance, however, the agent may reappear — but otherwise the agent flies the coop while collecting fat commission checks from the “corporate office.”

Such is the life of an insurance agent (at least in my insurance-buying experience). I thought perhaps mine was a different situation, but alas, it happened exactly according to script — AGAIN.

After filing a couple of claims and sending thousands of dollars in premiums to them, GuideOne decided they no longer desired my business and canceled my policy — then refused to renew it (apparently “reinstating” a policy is way more complicated than simply collecting more premiums and changing a flag in the computer system from “inactive” to “active” — mere mortals cannot possibly understand the extensive human intervention needed to “reinstate” a policy!).

There were issues along the way for which I take full responsibility — including some payments that didn’t make it in time or were withdrawn for the wrong amounts at the wrong times — and, I did have an accident during the years I was insured with them.

However, instead of collecting their penalty fees, resubmitting failed payments and going on with life in order to fill their wallets, GuideOne has decided we no longer meet their stringent underwriting requirements.

• (cue the AGENT, stage left, who suddenly decides to pick up the phone and talk about the situation after the damage is done)

Agent: “Sorry, even though you just paid for the coverage you’ve ‘used’ the past few months (ed. note: this is called an “earned premium” even though I didn’t earn anything except the cash it took to pay for it), you can’t get your auto policy reinstated. I’ve talked to the underwriter and they just don’t want to reinstate the policy, based on their experience with you.”

Me: “WHAT?”

• [insert random pseudo-babble about claims and traffic tickets and billing problems and NSF premium payments and why postal mail is SUCH a better alternative than actual human conversation and why I'm a horrible person to expect personal service from Agent]

Agent: “But I’m happy to jack up your premium by $180 a month for sucky bare-minimum state-mandated coverages, by setting you up with a different company (Progressive).”

Me, [to myself]: “That’s not very Progressive of anyone.”

This is the classic scenario! Agent writes business, Agent disappears from view, Agent seems to be at the mercy of the Corporate Office when things go horribly wrong with billing and renewals, but miraculously reappears (with machine-generated fog, laser lights, and orchestral swells) when Corporate Office drops Customer on Head, Agent takes all of the driver and auto information Customer has provided and can magically re-obtain insurance from Another Company within seconds by re-submitting what’s probably an XML file full of VINs, credit scores, and traffic violations.

I reminded my “agent” that he had a phone and could have easily used it to contact me when he was made aware that my policy was being canceled for all of the horrible atrocities committed against his Corporate Office including missing/late/returned payments and a couple of claims. That phone call could have been simple: “Mr. Sommerkamp, is everything OK? My computer, which runs my life, is telling me urgently that your policy is scheduled to be canceled (your name appears on my “customers about to drop off” list which is on a whiteboard here in my expensive office space). Is there a problem? Is the cancellation because you are dissatisfied with our company, or because you had trouble with some payments? Are things OK? Can I help you? Can I offer my assistance in getting this situation resolved? We’d really like to keep your business, because you’ve been our customer for several years and it’s my job to personally try and retain customers. YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO ME, Auto Policyholder #021030472.”

I received no such phone call. No personal contact. Not even an email message. Just a piece of paper that’s probably still buried in my ever-growing stack of mail, telling me in essence, “you are the weakest link. Goodbye.”

Under great duress, I signed up with Progressive today only until I can find a much better deal, as there’s no way I can survive Progressive’s enormous premium payments.

As for GuideOne? They’re still happily insuring our home, because apparently that bill’s getting paid (on time, once a year) by our mortgage company, and our homeowners’ “claims experience” consists of a few thousand dollars for a hail-damaged roof. It’s the kind of business GuideOne survives on, and the kind of business I plan to take to another company as soon as I possibly can. Just a few milliseconds after I find someone who is reasonably insuring our autos, they’ll get a homeowners’ policy tacked on for free.

The bottom line: I’ve yet to meet an insurance agent who actually served as an advocate for his/her customers. I’m still waiting for an agent to someday call me and honestly say, “How’s it going, Buck? Is there anything I can do for you? Because I appreciate your business and, perhaps more importantly, I appreciate those fat commission checks I get for doing absolutely nothing after the sales cycle is complete — just thought I’d call and see if we’re meeting your needs.”

Does that type of insurance agent even exist? I’m starting to wonder. Me just randomly typing information into a whole bunch of form-based web sites to get online insurance appears to be the way to do this…the notion of an insurance agent even being personally involved in the process may be a thing of the past. I must be living in a dream world…

[curtain..orchestral swell...fog machine]

UPDATE 6/5/2009: I got an incredible replacement policy from GEICO today. We went from the state-mandated minimum coverages to much more reasonable 100/300/100 coverage and are saving $150 a month over Progressive (yes, that’s one-hundred-fifty-and-no/100-dollars). Bye-bye, Progressive, hello GEICO. My “agent” tried to cancel the policy for me and could only come up with a $97 refund, then referred me to Progressive’s 800 number for service where a more accurate $310 refund was processed. No agent was involved in the quoting and purchasing of GEICO insurance; I filled in the online form, played with several variations and received instantaneous live quotes on the web site, got all coverages to where they needed to be, and received a confirming phone call from GEICO with a policy number and printable insurance cards emailed to me at once. We’ve stopped the financial bleeding and Progressive has committed to refunding the unused premium next week via direct deposit. I guess this just further proves my point: have insurance agents gone the way of the dinosaur?

The whole newsletter is fantastic. It’s encouraging and shows off Trozzolo people and successful projects. It’s an enjoyable read.

My favorite “ad” is on the back page. It features a penguin looking out across a sea of frozen ice. The headline is, Oh, Brighten Up. Here’s what it says beneath:

No, this is not the friendliest business climate. In fact, it’s enough to make many of us want to hunker down. For you contrarians, however, this is the golden moment. While the rest of your industry pulls back, this is the time to boost your profile and get aggressive. This is the time to showcase your progress, your thinking. For you contrarians, we’re standing by.

This ad really made me stop and think. Am I a “contrarian?”

I hope so. I’ve been encouraging friends and laid-off colleagues to get out there and polish off the resume. Take a new picture of yourself looking sharp and use it. Connect with your Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter friends. Drink strong coffee and talk about life.

It’s not all doom and gloom, even on the days when it seems like it. Yesterday we about froze, today it’s almost 65 degrees.

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not necessarily a train.

I’m ready to “brighten up” and be a contrarian.

Are you?